One Way Guilt Trip to Shaman King
by Sora no Hoshi
Summary: The capricious Great Spirits has decided to change the rules for the Shaman Tournament! It is no longer a Shaman FIGHT, but a...? Even Pilika's competing! What's going on? Spoilers for various parts of manga and anime. ONESHOT


Author's post-story note: Well, this is my first attempt at a one-shot, a humor no less. Believe me, this came out of nowhere, and I did it in half an hour. Of course, It took time to plan the matches, and eveyrone will see soon what I mean.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King, it's characters, Great Spirits, or Naruto anime.

* * *

One Way Guilt Trip to Shaman King

So, the group of all the SK characters are having their usual day. Anna forcing Yoh to training in Patch Mura, Pilika doing the same to her brother, Hao ambushing them out of nowhere, Jeanne pops in blinding lights that screams JUSTICE, Marco accompanying in short-shorts, Lyserg following and getting chased by a certain shaman with hearts for eyes, Manta stiffly sitting in Faust's lap, not of free will, Ren getting tortured by Chocolove's jokes and embarrassed by comments about his affection for his sister, the ten priests hanging around doing their little sales.

Yep, the usual.

Only, there was a sudden blinding light. YES, more blinding than Jeanne and all her JUSTICE glory. The SK members quickly shielded their eyes, only to open finding…

DUN DUN DUN!

Nothing. They're still where they are, and nothing's changed.

The SK casts looked around, confused. They were all startled by the sudden screech that sentence the beginning of a Goldva message.

"AHEM! Yes, this is sudden, I know. Participants, listen up!" her voice boomed around the whole village, and everyone hoped that she remember the speech this time, or at least has the paper with her.

"I must say that the Great Spirits is indeed capricious." She started. Everyone sighed in relief. So she does have it.

"And that's why…um…where's that sticky note?" she asked, apparently to someone beside her. Okay, so maybe she doesn't have the paper, or sticky note, in this case.

"Goldva-sama. You said that the message is short, and doesn't need to be taken down. You said you remembered them already." Someone from the side informed, whispering, or not so much over the intercom.

Everyone sweatdropped as they heard Goldva smack the person. "You idiot! Now what do I say?...AHEM," she directed her attention to the participants again, "now, to test one of the priests' ability to pay attention, I will let Silva relate the message to you all." Everyone fell. Yes, even Hao.

The said pyromaniac's descendant reluctantly took over. "Er…I don't really know how to day this," he started, and the tone indicates that he's doing something like scratching the back of his head. "The Great Spirits had a change of mind, and, well, this will sound weird to you all but…the Shaman Fight will no longer be determined by fights," he announced.

What? How can that be? Then how will a Shaman King be determined? Everybody waited for the answer to their question. They all hold their breath, anticipating the task that the King of Spirits had planned for them…

"It will not be determined by a Guilt Contest."

Say what?

All participants will go to the Patch Coliseum a week later and they will announce the saddest events in their life, or lives, in order to make the opponent feel guilty for going against you. The most pitiful person will become Shaman King." Silva finished and quickly clicked off the intercom, leaving everyone to their own confusion.

Wait a minute…

_This will be easy! Everyone knows that I'm the most pitiful._ Hao thought. He _did_ get betrayed in all his lifetimes, and he _did_ get shunned by society, and he _did_ almost got killed the moment he was born. The pyromaniac smirked to himself. He never knew becoming Shaman King could be such a piece of cake.

"Oh come on!" Pilika shouted to the group. "Even _I_ can participate! I mean, look who I have a brother!" she indicated the older Ainu, who is now busy trying to go to the second floor by walking up the wall after watching the Naruto anime. Everybody couldn't help but agree.

Yoh scratched his head. "I guess I don't have much of anything to compete with…" he trailed off as he felt some sort of death glare on his back. "…but I will participate anyways! I need to become Shaman King, after all!" he quickly added, and the feeling of doom slightly eased.

Well, many people thought along the same lines as they thought about the saddest things in their lives, and with that, everyone gathered at the Patch Coliseum after a week, as instructed.

Participants: Hao, Yoh, Mari, Macchi, Kanna, Ren, Horohoro, Pilika, Faust, Chocolove, Ryu, Manta, Jeanne, Marco, Lyserg

Matches (in chart mode): Hao-Lyserg Kanna-Ryu Marco-Ren Pilika-Horohoro

Finals---Shaman King

Mari -Jeanne Manta-Macchi Faust-Chocolove Yoh

(A/N: I hope everyone can tell what I'm getting at. It's elimination. For example, if Hao won and Ryu won, then they'll face off in the next round. If Ren won against Horohoro who won against Pilika, then he'll face who ever won, Hao or Ryu.)

"Okay," Silva made sure that all participants have arrived, "There are a few rules."

"There's rules in such a contest?" Horhoro can't help but burst out, and Pilika quickly bopped him on the head. "Quiet, nii-chan!" she scolded.

Silva cleared his throat. "Ahem, yes, the rules are simple. One, you can only talk about the saddest events of your life, or lives; no commenting on your opponents' events. Two, the response to your opponent's event must be sadder than the said opponent's. Three, when you can't say anything more pitiful, you lose."

Round 1-1: Hao vs. Lyserg

Lyserg: My parents got killed by you!  
Hao: So? My mom got killed by utter strangers.  
Lyserg: I lost my spirit once.  
Hao: Everyone in the world is against me except for my unreasonably few followers.  
Lyserg: Grr, er, um…I have to wear short-shorts!  
Everyone: -stares- … -sweatdrops-  
Lyserg: Oh fine! I lose, okay? -storms off-

Winner – Hao

Round 1-2: Kanna vs. Ryu

Ryu: I got possessed by a ghost I never heard of.  
Kanna: …Well, I…  
Ryu: -cuts her off- I never had a girlfriend.  
Kanna: -puffs smoke- I have to use smoke to make a suit of armor, I have to learn Japanese when I'm from Germany, and most of all, I have to waste my time looking at an ugly brute like you.  
Ryu: -emotionally broken, tearry eyed, to hurt to say anything-

Winner – Kanna

Round 1-3: Marco vs. Ren

Ren: I was slave to hatred for twelve years.  
Marco: I have to wear short-shorts.  
Everyone: -gasp-  
Lyserg: -points- And it works for him? He even had a choice! Mine came with the uniform!  
Pilika: Well…he's a grown man!  
Lyserg: -head drops- can't argue with that.  
Ren: I embarrassed myself with the 'you are the wind' speech on national Patch television.  
Marco: Point taken. I admit defeat. –walks away-

Winner – Ren

Round 1-4: Pilika vs. Horohoro

Horohoro: I thought kyonshis stole my belonging!  
Silva: Pilika wins by default.  
Horohoro: What!  
Silva: That was stupid, not pitiful.

Winner – Pilika

Round 1-5: Mari vs. Jeanne

Mari: Mari's Chuck is losing an eye -shows doll- and Mari can't change it because she can't change her medium.  
Jeanne: I live in an Iron Maiden. I haven't bathed(or showered), eaten, slept, or moved for thirty-two days.  
Mari: -obviously disgusted- EWWWW! No one told you to live in that thing!  
Silva: No comments, remember? Mari's disqualified.  
Mari: Whatever, just get that filthy maiden away from me!

Winner – Jeanne

Round 1-6: Manta vs. Macchi

Manta: I got mistaken for a spirit! (I blame genetics)  
Macchi: Oh yeah? My natural hair color is Magenta, and I have to get up before Hao-sama every morning to dye it!  
Everyone: -sweatdrops-…that's really pitiful to admit that for a stupid contest like this…  
Macchi: -looks around- Wahhh! I can't believe I just said that!  
Hao: -to self- Magenta? I need to wake up earlier next time to see it.  
Manta: Darn you and your Magenta! -runs off platform as fast as short leg could carry-

Winner - Macchi

Round 1-7: Faust vs. Chocolove

Faust: My lover is dead, and I gave my legs to her so now I'm handicapped.  
Chocolove: -puts a cap over his hand- My hand is capped!  
Silva: Chocolove disqualified for making a bad joke instead of competing.  
Anna: Expected  
Ren: He would've won for not being able to make good jokes.

Winner - Faust

Well, that concludes Round one. Everybody sweatdropped at the stupidity of it all and stared at Silva.

"Don't look at me. It was the Great Spirits." Silva defended. The others then proceeded to stare at the King of Spirits, who did not respond.

"Okay!" Silva clapped his hand together to get attention. "Now let's start Round Two.

Round 2-1: Hao vs. Kanna

Kanna: I forfeit.  
Silva: Why?  
Kanna: Do I have to explain?  
Silva: -looks at smiling Hao- Oh. Right.

Winner - Hao

Round 2-2: Ren vs. Pilika

Pilika: I have Horohoro for a brother!  
Ren: As much as I pity you for that, I have to spend most of the time in Japan and America with him. AND I'm in the same team as him.  
Pilika: OMG you _are_ more pitiful! -runs off-

Winner - Ren

Round 2-3: Jeanne vs. Macchi

Macchi: I had to admit that my natural hair color is Magenta!  
Jeanne: But I have a follower that willingly wears short-shorts.  
Marco: Maiden-sama, is that what you think? -tears-  
Macchi: Kirisaki Jack has no flesh! -holds up jack-o-lantern-  
Jeanne: The anime censored the spikes in my Iron Maiden into vines!  
Macchi: -gasps- No one can beat the pitiful censor! -head drops-  
Silva: -sweatdrops- er…yeah…okay…

Winner - Jeanne

Round 2-4: Faust vs. Yoh

Faust: I forfeit.  
Silva: Another one? What is it this time?  
Faust: Yoh-kun fulfilled my dream already. He deserves to become Shaman King.  
Silva: Whatever.

Winner - Yoh

"Okay, that concludes a very…short….Round Two, as two of them forfeited..."Silva sweatdropped again. He seems to do that a lot here. "Now on to the Semi-Finals!"

Semifinal Round 1: Hao vs. Ren

Ren: I died once, and had to be revived by Jeanne.Hao: I died twice, and had to wait five hundred years each time to transmigrate.  
Ren: My dub name is Len!  
Hao: Mine's Zeke!  
Ren!  
Ren: I got stuck with Horo and Chocolove on my team!  
Hao: I had to stay in hell for nine hundred years.  
Ren: Well you should've stayed in hell!  
Silva: Ren disqualified for making comments.  
Ren: Damn you and your hell!  
Hao: Yes, MY hell. -smirks-  
Ren: -tongari grows- Urgh!

Winner - Hao

Semifinal Round 2: Jeanne vs. Yoh

Jeanne: I forfeit.  
Silva: WHAT NOW! IT'S THE SEMIFINALS FOR GREAT SPIRITS' SAKE! YOH HASN'T COMPETED EVEN ONE ROUND YET!  
Yoh: -scratches head- Ahaha…that seems to be the case, eh?  
Jeanne: I believe that, no matter what I say, Asakura Yoh is the more pitiful due to his relation with that great evil Hao.  
Silva: You and your Justice. Whatever.

Winner - Yoh

Silva is that close from cursing the Great Spirits itself, as much as he respects the King of Spirits. What's more, three matches were forfeited, and Yoh hadn't even competed once. Not that he mind, but that has been simply pointless.

The said Patch Priest can feel a headache coming up. "Let's just get this over with."

Final Round: Hao vs. Yoh

Silva: Yoh you start first since you haven't said anything.Yoh: -scratches head- Ahaha…okay.  
Yoh: My first friend was a cat spirit.  
Hao: I was betrayed by said cat spirit.  
Yoh: …  
Silva: -raises eyebrow- Over already?  
Yoh: Ano…it's not that. It's just that...if I said this, I'll…um…get killed before I can become Shaman King.  
Silva: -holds aching head- _problems, problems, problems_. Just go tell Hao and let him decide.  
Yoh: Okay. -walks up to Hao and whispers in his ears-  
Hao!  
Hao: Fine, you win. But I _will_ win in the next Shaman Fight, when it's not such a stupid contest! -storms off-

Winner - Yoh

* * *

Yoh's friends came to congratulate him. "What did you tell him, Yoh?" Manta asked his friend. 

The brunette similed sheepishly. "I can't say. I'll get killed."

"Oh well. You became Shaman King, and I the Shaman Queen. That's all that matters." Anna declared.

Yoh scratched the back of his head. "Ahaha…right."

* * *

"Ano…Hao-sama?"

"What is it, Opacho?" Hao answered his little follower as he watched his twin from his perch on top of a cliff.

The African girl sat down next to her master. "What did Yoh-sama tell you?"

Hao smirked, though his smirk twitched.

"He's stuck with Anna for the rest of his life."

-Owari-

* * *

A/N: Um…Yeah…this was totally random and completely out of nowhere. I know it's really weird, but, um…yeah…

I guess the result was weird too. I'm sorry if it confused anyone. A lot of them are from the manga. For example, Marco wearing short-shorts, Jeanne's Iron Maiden beind censored (It was spikes, not vines), Ren dying, etc.

Well, anyways, Good? Bad? Confusing? Please Review.


End file.
